On things to let go of

"So what are you giving up this lenten season?"
"You."

Unsent letter no. 2

To the girl he'll fall in love with

Before I fully allow myself

To lose him from my mind, 

from being the one I remember from listening to my favorite songs,

from being the subject of my 1am poetry --

allow me to ask you quite a few favors.

Please don't tell him that he's too short

And don't secretly wish he'd grow a few inches taller,

Because doesn't it seem more convenient --

to be able to seemingly pick him up and put him in your pocket?

How nice would it be

To carry the boy you love around with you all day?

Please notice his slightly off-centered iris

I noticed it right away, because my right iris was slightly off-centered too

I hope that you find it endearing instead

Because although his eyes may seemingly wander

He chooses to focus his gaze on you

Please like him because he is athletic

But please don't like him only because he is athletic

Because when you're both older

And his legs won't allow him to kick as high,

or run as fast as he does now,

You know he'd still walk as far as he could

just to be able to get to you

Please be patient when he loses track of his time

Playing all those games that you don't even understand

Because despite the fact that he calls himself a gamer

You know that you aren't

And will never be just another game for him to play

Please don't get jealous that you're not his favorite girl

I wasn't either -- and I will never have that chance

But neither will you

Because that spot's reserved for his little sister

And maybe, if you play your cards right,

one day you'd be calling her your sister too.

Last of all -- please love him

through all his faults, and all his accomplishments,

all the good things and all the bad.

I hope you love him in the way that he deserves to be loved,

because I can't.

And Lord knows I would -- if only I could.

Unsent letter no. 1

Missed my chance with you.

I guess you'll always be an unfinished sentence,
an unopened package,
a hidden message that I will never decode,
a "what if" that will haunt me until I somehow bring myself to move on.

Maybe when we become who we're supposed to be,
maybe when we've lived a little longer,
maybe after we've loved other people a little harder,
maybe we'll find our way back to each other.

But, in this world of unhappy endings --
maybe never.

It's getting annoying --

The way you manage to infiltrate my thoughts every so often;
the way you make my knees buckle each time your gaze lingers a second too long;
the way you make me wonder if you did look into my eyes a second too long or if I'm only so caught up in the idea of you that I give myself false hope;
the way you give me all these feelings I shouldn't even be feeling.

Stop. Stop with this bullshit, baby. My heart can't take it.

Paradoxical 3am thoughts

You make me want to write love songs about you.

You make me want to take all of the cheesy, sappy words one can attribute to love ever recognized by the Oxford English Dictionary and put them together into one prose pertaining to the wonderfulness that is you.

And this only makes me feel sorry for myself
because frankly, these emotions - aside from being overrated - are also unreciprocated.

Rainy Sunday one-liner

Stop making me feel things, unless you allow me to let you feel those things too.

"An insecure mess"

I first came across this passage on Tumblr, and I immediately fell in love with the writer, even though I had no idea who this "Beau Taplin" character was. Okay, so I may not actually have fallen in love with the writer, but I did fall in love with his words. This passage reminded me of the Lang Leav-esque style of poetry/prose writing, but it felt more raw - much more identifiable with as compared to Lang Leav's works. Don't get me wrong, I am an immense Lang Leav fan, but I can't find piece myself into her works as I'm not exactly "in love" as of the moment.

This post, although it may have initially seemed so, is not about Beau Taplin (my new writer crush, by the way). It is about this passage that he wrote, and how it mirrors exactly what I need if ever I do enter a relationship again. Mind you, if I do, it won't be anytime soon. (Academics is all the stress I can take!!!)

I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that my other half is well aware of that fact. But what I have to say is this - I hope he doesn't try to change me or reprimand me for my flaws; my flaws are my identity, and I shouldn't have to try and fix them just because he thinks they're unbecoming. I'm insecure enough as it is, I don't need the person who is supposed to love me "unconditionally" to continue and point out my flaws and critique my every move. I already experienced that once, and it crushed me. I tried to conform myself to what he wanted, and it didn't do me any good, because I wasn't trying to be better for myself, I was trying to be better for him. I changed who I was so I wouldn't lose him, but in the end, I just lost myself.

So in the end, what was the point of adopting a different disposition to adjust to another person's preferences? The ending was nothing short of a tragedy - I was only left heartbroken and feeling more insecure than I ever did, and I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. It took me awhile to feel like myself again and be completely okay (and yes, I have been okay for a long while now, don't worry), and it was only then that I realized how irrational I've become. But honestly, if given the chance, I would never take back falling in love, but I would take back all my cringe-worthy actions that did nothing but make me appear a lot more foolish than I already was.

And so to anyone who is reading this - if anyone even reads my blog at all - I'd like to tell you that you should fall in love with someone who doesn't think you're perfect, but someone who knows you aren't and completely adores you for all your kinks and flaws. If you do decide to change - change for the better, change because you know it will do you good - but if you're content with who you are, be it an insecure mess, then stay that way. Always let your main source of happiness be yourself, as opposed to someone (or something) temporary.

*Note: I'm not entirely sure as to what point I was trying to make or why I even wrote this blog post - I just needed to let out some steam after this semester's intense academic stress. Boo you, second sem.