"An insecure mess"

I first came across this passage on Tumblr, and I immediately fell in love with the writer, even though I had no idea who this "Beau Taplin" character was. Okay, so I may not actually have fallen in love with the writer, but I did fall in love with his words. This passage reminded me of the Lang Leav-esque style of poetry/prose writing, but it felt more raw - much more identifiable with as compared to Lang Leav's works. Don't get me wrong, I am an immense Lang Leav fan, but I can't find piece myself into her works as I'm not exactly "in love" as of the moment.

This post, although it may have initially seemed so, is not about Beau Taplin (my new writer crush, by the way). It is about this passage that he wrote, and how it mirrors exactly what I need if ever I do enter a relationship again. Mind you, if I do, it won't be anytime soon. (Academics is all the stress I can take!!!)

I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that my other half is well aware of that fact. But what I have to say is this - I hope he doesn't try to change me or reprimand me for my flaws; my flaws are my identity, and I shouldn't have to try and fix them just because he thinks they're unbecoming. I'm insecure enough as it is, I don't need the person who is supposed to love me "unconditionally" to continue and point out my flaws and critique my every move. I already experienced that once, and it crushed me. I tried to conform myself to what he wanted, and it didn't do me any good, because I wasn't trying to be better for myself, I was trying to be better for him. I changed who I was so I wouldn't lose him, but in the end, I just lost myself.

So in the end, what was the point of adopting a different disposition to adjust to another person's preferences? The ending was nothing short of a tragedy - I was only left heartbroken and feeling more insecure than I ever did, and I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. It took me awhile to feel like myself again and be completely okay (and yes, I have been okay for a long while now, don't worry), and it was only then that I realized how irrational I've become. But honestly, if given the chance, I would never take back falling in love, but I would take back all my cringe-worthy actions that did nothing but make me appear a lot more foolish than I already was.

And so to anyone who is reading this - if anyone even reads my blog at all - I'd like to tell you that you should fall in love with someone who doesn't think you're perfect, but someone who knows you aren't and completely adores you for all your kinks and flaws. If you do decide to change - change for the better, change because you know it will do you good - but if you're content with who you are, be it an insecure mess, then stay that way. Always let your main source of happiness be yourself, as opposed to someone (or something) temporary.

*Note: I'm not entirely sure as to what point I was trying to make or why I even wrote this blog post - I just needed to let out some steam after this semester's intense academic stress. Boo you, second sem.