It's getting annoying --

The way you manage to infiltrate my thoughts every so often;
the way you make my knees buckle each time your gaze lingers a second too long;
the way you make me wonder if you did look into my eyes a second too long or if I'm only so caught up in the idea of you that I give myself false hope;
the way you give me all these feelings I shouldn't even be feeling.

Stop. Stop with this bullshit, baby. My heart can't take it.

Paradoxical 3am thoughts

You make me want to write love songs about you.

You make me want to take all of the cheesy, sappy words one can attribute to love ever recognized by the Oxford English Dictionary and put them together into one prose pertaining to the wonderfulness that is you.

And this only makes me feel sorry for myself
because frankly, these emotions - aside from being overrated - are also unreciprocated.

Rainy Sunday one-liner

Stop making me feel things, unless you allow me to let you feel those things too.

"An insecure mess"

I first came across this passage on Tumblr, and I immediately fell in love with the writer, even though I had no idea who this "Beau Taplin" character was. Okay, so I may not actually have fallen in love with the writer, but I did fall in love with his words. This passage reminded me of the Lang Leav-esque style of poetry/prose writing, but it felt more raw - much more identifiable with as compared to Lang Leav's works. Don't get me wrong, I am an immense Lang Leav fan, but I can't find piece myself into her works as I'm not exactly "in love" as of the moment.

This post, although it may have initially seemed so, is not about Beau Taplin (my new writer crush, by the way). It is about this passage that he wrote, and how it mirrors exactly what I need if ever I do enter a relationship again. Mind you, if I do, it won't be anytime soon. (Academics is all the stress I can take!!!)

I know I'm not perfect, and I'm sure that my other half is well aware of that fact. But what I have to say is this - I hope he doesn't try to change me or reprimand me for my flaws; my flaws are my identity, and I shouldn't have to try and fix them just because he thinks they're unbecoming. I'm insecure enough as it is, I don't need the person who is supposed to love me "unconditionally" to continue and point out my flaws and critique my every move. I already experienced that once, and it crushed me. I tried to conform myself to what he wanted, and it didn't do me any good, because I wasn't trying to be better for myself, I was trying to be better for him. I changed who I was so I wouldn't lose him, but in the end, I just lost myself.

So in the end, what was the point of adopting a different disposition to adjust to another person's preferences? The ending was nothing short of a tragedy - I was only left heartbroken and feeling more insecure than I ever did, and I didn't even recognize who I was anymore. It took me awhile to feel like myself again and be completely okay (and yes, I have been okay for a long while now, don't worry), and it was only then that I realized how irrational I've become. But honestly, if given the chance, I would never take back falling in love, but I would take back all my cringe-worthy actions that did nothing but make me appear a lot more foolish than I already was.

And so to anyone who is reading this - if anyone even reads my blog at all - I'd like to tell you that you should fall in love with someone who doesn't think you're perfect, but someone who knows you aren't and completely adores you for all your kinks and flaws. If you do decide to change - change for the better, change because you know it will do you good - but if you're content with who you are, be it an insecure mess, then stay that way. Always let your main source of happiness be yourself, as opposed to someone (or something) temporary.

*Note: I'm not entirely sure as to what point I was trying to make or why I even wrote this blog post - I just needed to let out some steam after this semester's intense academic stress. Boo you, second sem.

Pick me up and drink me down.

You don't need me to be the force that keeps you awake;
you have coffee for that.
You don't need me to be your calm before every storm;
tea will do the trick.
You don't need me to be the sudden burn in your throat reminding you that pain will always come before relief;
alcohol will do just fine.

But darling, tell me that I'll be your tall glass of water on an irritably humid summer day; the only one that can satiate your thirst, the only one that will hydrate your body and liven up your spirits, the only one you'll constantly need and cannot live without.