Casual Clue Drop

His name starts with a letter in the first half of the alphabet. I know it's vague, but I don't exactly intend to let people know who I like. If it were public information, then why the heck would I call it a secret crush?

Another vague but slightly more helpful clue (so as to let you know it's not who you think it is), he doesn't live in a place that starts with the same letter as his name does.

Ain't no better drama queen.

Tell me how to stop a feeling. Tell me there's a way to poison the butterflies in my stomach. Tell me how to defeat the army that marches in my chest. Because I don't know where this is going, I don't know where I stand with you, and I don't know if you're being sincere. Do it now. Tell me how to destroy the affection that's quickly building up for you, because if you don't, I will just go ahead and fall for you.

And if you're not planning to catch me, then I strongly suggest you do all the stopping and eradicating of my one-sided emotions right now. I don't need another heartbreak.

Day 11: A book you hated.

I have yet to encounter a book that I hated. There may be a few books that I never got around to finishing, and it's usually because they're dragging and boring, but they're never so badly-written that I felt the need to "hate" the book. However, there is one book I dislike more than the other books I've deemed boring: The Good Earth.

I apologize but, I don't even remember the author, and I only vaguely remember what the novel is about. The only reason why I even bought a copy and read it until the end was because it was a required read in my English class for my second year of high school. It was tolerable, however, I still have no love for the China and poverty-centered novel.

Day 10: Favorite classical book.

Yes, I know, I gave in to my sloth tendencies and ignored the 30-Day Challenge. And I apologize for that. Honestly, I was planning to discontinue the challenge already but my then one of high school teachers urged me to "find time to write". (Thanks, Sir Rod!) This is, therefore, the beginning of the 30-Day Reading Challenge part two.

When the phrase "classical/classic books" is introduced, boring would be the first word that pops into my head. See, even though I'm a sucker for books, I have to admit that I don't have much love for the classics. It may be because of the epistaxis-inducing terms used, or perhaps my taste simply doesn't conform to the writing style of the earlier authors. There are, of course, some exceptions to my classic-books-are-boring outlook, my favorite being A Wrinkle in Time by Madeline L'Engle. Shoutout to my bestfriend, Ruod, who gave me the book for Christmas two years ago!

A Wrinkle in Time may have been intended as a children's novel, but even as a teenager, I have nothing but praise for it. I love how it acknowledges that life isn't always smooth-sailing, how it had the element of realness, such as the absence of a father-figure from a family. In another bout of honesty, I would have to say that the romance element also helped my interest and affection for L'Engle's novel. Of course, it couldn't have been rewarded a Newbery medal if it wasn't as good as I claim it to be.

Without question, this classical novel is un-boring and definitely worth reading.

The long overdue "dear crush" letter.

Hello, you.

I wish I could muster up the courage to type your name point blank, but I can't. I also wish I could directly tell you all of the things I'm about to write. Finally, I wish you'd reciprocate all my seemingly gay feelings for you. Then again, wishes are wishes, not truths. Still, I'm keeping my fingers crossed that one day you'll like me back.

I have no idea why I've fallen this hard for you - we've never even had a proper conversation. Sure, we may have exchanged a few words to each other at one time or another, but they didn't really have much substance. I must admit, though, that I've learned bits and pieces of your personality through those short exchanges. Albeit that the "conversations" were short-lived, I still managed to derive that you are as crazy, random, weird, and lazy as I am. I guess I shouldn't leave out the fact that I realized your being temperamental at times. That's okay, though, because I am too. Another thing, in all our conversations, you've never failed to make me laugh. And I like that. I like boys who can make me laugh effortlessly.

Though I know that you have this particular vice which is undeniably one of the biggest turn-offs for me, I've wrapped my mind around the fact that you must probably have problems too difficult to deal with at times, and that the stress might be getting too much for you to handle. Perhaps that vice may be the only temporary escape that works for you. So no, when I knew you had that vice, it surprisingly did not "turn me off". (Oh look, I've made up an excuse for you. I must like you a lot.)

I've no idea what's gotten into me, why I can't take you off my petty train of thought. It certainly doesn't help that you are extremely attractive - that smile, well, no words are adequate enough to describe it. But I know I can't have you. Especially not now when I hear you like this other girl, and this other girl likes you back. (Who wouldn't like you back, though?) And that girl is not the only one who vies for your attention; so many others do, as well. What chance would I have against the throng of beautiful faces, or vixens, or intelligent minds that relentlessly chase after you?

Perhaps no matter how many 11:11, shooting star, or eyelash wishes I dedicate to you, you'd never share the feelings I have for you. I will still, however, dedicate all the wishes that I'll be making to you, with high hopes for the impossible.

I'd like to end this very cheeseball letter by thanking you for the luxury of letting me know you, for the luxury of you acknowledging my existence. You might never know how much our few words mean to me.

Love from your almost stalker, Lesh.

Note: This was penned a month ago. I only managed to post it now because I have issues. Okay, yep. Bye.

Unproductive Productiveness

It scares me to think that something I can put together in only five minutes can so keenly define my life. (Or my summer counterpart.) Behold my thinspiration, sartorial inspirations, and skateboarding aspirations.

At least putting this crap together made me momentarily forget the immense heartbreak I am feeling right now courtesy of the disbandment of A Rocket to the Moon. Let me just plug in that it is not easy to move on from the breaking up of one of your favorite bands. I shall now eat my sorrow away.

The Significance of Pointed Hats

One of my favorite "hanging out" activities involves a movie marathon and a pigging out session. My deemed partners-in-crime in such activities belong to the short roster of people that I can actually be myself with - Tommy and Andrea.

Ever since the end of high school, Tommy, Ande and I have been conducting mini-movie marathons. A significant fact about these marathons is that we watch at least one horror movie. And no, it is not because we are brave and unaffected; frankly, we scream at the first sign of alleged paranormal activities. Of course, there is also the unspoken rule of stuffing ourselves with tons of unhealthy, fattening junk food during all our movie marathon sessions.

Yesterday wasn't just any other movie marathon sesh though. Andrea and I decided to throw a very mini surprise birthday party for Tommy. Albeit not yet his birthday, Ande and I knew we had to do something even just remotely special for Tommy's eighteenth since both of us wouldn't be in Iloilo City on the exact date of his birthday.

Should you wonder why we didn't go all out on Tommy's surprise birthday (with oodles of people and whatnot), it's not because we didn't want to, rather because first of all, he doesn't like surprises anyway, and second of all, he's as much of an introvert as I am. There may be a third reason... One that involves money. Or the lack thereof.

The mini-surprise came in the form of a book, his favorite cheese ice cream, and red velvet cake. The ironic thing is, we were more surprised by the fact that Tommy treated us to lunch for his birthday. (Sorry we couldn't do much better, Tom, and thank you for the food!)

But damn son, you're lucky to have me and Andrea in your life to throw you these mini surprise parties. HE HE HE, just kidding. Or not. Anyway. Happy, happy birthday (in advance) to you! Apparently, I cannot deny the fact that your presence has significantly increased the quality of my life. Yep.

Midnight Thoughts

If the chance for me to tell you how I feel arises, I will probably tell you. But then again, I am deathly afraid that you'll just laugh in my face, or be disgusted, or worst of all - erase all traces of my existence in your system. So then again, I might not tell you, but burying my feelings for you in the deepest corners of my overly emotional soul will not destroy them. In fact, my feelings will probably always be there, trying to fight their way out of my own suppression.

Day 9: A book you thought you wouldn't like but ended up loving.

To Kill a Mockingbird. I know, I know. There must've been a reason for its being a classic, I, however, immediately ruled it out as a bore because it was a required read for our English class. I usually associate required reading materials to extremely boring novels which will make the students deliberately suffer, hence its being deemed as a "necessary read".

As I started reading To Kill a Mockingbird though, I quickly became engrossed in the stories of Boo, Atticus and Scout. In fact, all the characters in the story were interesting, and so I felt the need to devour each word as quickly as possible so I would learn the final outcome of the masterpiece that is To Kill a Mockingbird.

What I've come to love about this classic is that it stresses the importance of kindness, community and respect. It also gives emphasis on the value that one should not judge a book by its cover as most of the time, people aren't what they seem. And of course, who am I; who are you to be in a position to scrutinize and criticize others, especially when we're not even aware of what they have been through or are going through.

Day 7 & Day 8 - Most underrated and most overrated book.

Mentally slapping myself over missing the Day 7 Reading Challenge, therefore, I choose to merge challenges Day 7 & Day 8. Not entirely sure of what the significance of that statement was, though. Anyway, getting to the point:

The most overrated book in my opinion is Twilight. Although I do find Stephenie Meyer's writing skills to be extremely good, I don't understand what people deem as great in her Twilight series. I do agree that Edward Cullen is the perfect gentleman, but honestly, who would want to date a centuries-old person. No, I don't care that Edward Cullen is supposedly very attractive and hard to resist, he's still... ancient. His dating Bella actually makes him a pedophile of some sort. Sorry, I'm not sorry. But I will admit to immensely fan-girling over some of his and Bella's "moments". I will probably never understand why my 13-year old self begged my parents to buy me all four books from the Twilight series and more so, why I enjoyed reading it so much. Self-embarrassment.

The most underrated book on the other hand is probably Legend by Marie Lu. Let's face it, not many have heard of this book, much less read it. Legend, however, was the first dystopian novel I've read and inevitably the reason why I have this intense fascination (and undying love) for dystopian novels. Legend has been overlooked, what with other dystopian stories being commercially promoted through movies or upcoming series. Yes, I do mean The Hunger Games and Delirium, and no, I do not have a hatred for those other two dystopian series. You should know that I immediately devour the words and fall in love with any dystopian novel I get my hands on. I wouldn't, however, want Legend to go mainstream, otherwise everyone would be reading it and twisting it into something it's not. And that would perhaps break my heart. I guess it's better that it stays underrated, then.

Day 6: A book that makes you sad.

There are three books that easily come to mind under the description "books that make me sad". These three books are Why We Broke Up by Daniel Handler, The Fault in Our Stars by John Green, and Delirium by Lauren Oliver.

Why We Broke Up did not make me cry. It did, however, give me that heart-wrenching feeling as I've gradually come to understand why they did break up. It has easily become one of my favorite books as it isn't yet another cliché love story where unquestionably, the main protagonist ends up with her prince charming. This novel was honest enough to punch me in the gut and tell the painful truth that sometimes (or perhaps most of the time), you don't always end up with the person you wanted and/or your story won't always have a happy ending.

The Fault in Our Stars, on the other hand, broke my heart. It completely broke my heart. No exaggeration. I don't want to elaborate further because I don't want to spoil anyone who may not have read this beautifully written book yet. Warning: If you are generally a "soft" person, I suggest you prepare your box of tissues. I cried nonstop in one chapter and cried for another five minutes upon finishing the book.

If I didn't get to read Pandemonium and Requiem, or worse, if Lauren Oliver decided to stop writing at Delirium, then I would probably say that Delirium broke my heart as well. However, the two sequels to Delirium pieced my heart back together. (Thank God!) When I first read Delirium, though, I was rendered numb for quite some time after reading its final chapter. I'm not sure how long I cried for this novel, but I can vouch for that heart-wrenching feeling once more.

I guess this is proof that Handler, Green, and Oliver are good, if not epic, writers. If a book can induce that much emotions from someone, then there is no doubt that the authors have crafted their words together flawlessly. Insert my recommendation to read the three aforementioned books.

Day 5: A book that makes you happy.

There isn't any one specific book that I could immediately pinpoint as the novel that could make me happy. I could say, however, that all of the books that I've read and liked (or loved) has made me happy. Books have made it possible for me to live in an alternative world, at least for the time being that the carefully pieced together words that comprise a novel pass through my consciousness. They have allowed me to escape my troubles, worries, and any shit that I deal with even for just a few hours. And yes, I always have this urge to just crawl inside a book, live and dwell in it, and never come back because honestly, at most times, I am a lot happier when my nose, and thoughts, are buried deep within a book rather than when I am actually living my messed up life.

And this is really ironic because I am currently penning this post with so much hurt and pain and unresolved feelings fighting within me. To put it shortly, I am exactly the opposite of happy right now.

It's Fridate, Fridate!

God, I really do suck at making titles, don't I? That's most likely due to my being a cornball. My bad ability at making titles aside however, today turned out to be a really good day because it was spent with two of my closest friends in college - Jiggy and Mary Camille.

We took the term "roam around" quite seriously. Our meeting point was unusual, as it isn't really a place people would want to meet. However, it was convenient, so we met at (drum roll) Iloilo Doctor's Hospital! Being that we weren't exactly veterans of commuting, we took a risk in riding the jeepney to get to our next destination: Marymart Mall. Fortunately, we rode the right jeepney and ended up where we wanted to be. The heat was really bothersome, though.

Right after poking around through Marymart Mall, where we got cheap finds, we walked to Robinson's Place Iloilo (yes, yet another mall) to get lunch. We ended up eating at Greenwich and ordering the same stuff. Clingy? Ummmmm. Maybe just a tad bit. Also, I shouldn't leave out that we spent a lot of time looking for good reads in both National Bookstore and BookSale. Perhaps, this is why we click - our immense love for reading. Okay, reverting into a cheesecake once more. Ugh.

Seeing as the three of us were paper/stationery enthusiasts, we shopped at a very cheap but awesome store somewhere downtown. Although we ended up buying a lot of stuff from that store, the prices did not burn holes in our pockets. Thank God for bargains!

In conclusion to our so-called Fridate, we went all the way back to the city, in fact near the Iloilo Doctors' Hospital area once more. We ate at a K-Pop themed café, Comma Café, and although I wasn't a big fan of their playlist (All K-Pop!!! Can you imagine?), the food was pretty good. Plus their mugs and their serving number in the form of a stuffed bunny added to the café's appeal. I guess I should also mention that the two Koreans handling the café were extremely attractive. And yes, I found both the girl and the boy attractive. I just wish we weren't that full when we came to Comma Café earlier as I would've loved to try their waffles.

But of course, I stand by my statement that what defined today as epic was my company. If you happen to read this, thank you, Jiggy and Mary Camille, for not only today, but the friendship and sense of belongingness you gave and continue to give me. College would not at all be the same without you two.

Damn, why am I so cheesy tonight? Is it because of the cheesy bacon (corned beef) fries that we had earlier?

Day 4: Favorite book of your favorite series.

As I've mentioned in my Day 3, my favorite series are The Hunger Games trilogy, The Delirium trilogy, and The Harry Potter series.

My favorite book for The Hunger Games trilogy was, of course, The Hunger Games. For the Delirium trilogy, my favorite is Delirium as well. The ending of Delirium cannot surpass the ending of any other book For the Harry Potter series, however, both The Goblet of Fire and the final book, The Deathly Hallows.

In addition to this, let me just share my immense love for anything that would have the Deathly Hallows sign. (If only my mom would allow me to get a Deathly Hallows tattoo.)

Branded

There are quite a few things, or nouns and/or adjectives to be more precise, that I've come to associate closely with myself. Why I've decided to bare myself and my deepest insecurities in a public blog, I haven't got the slightest idea, except that perhaps I've finally decided to start the long and grueling "journey" of accepting who I am and maybe change the parts of me that I'm not proud of.

• Obsessive-Compulsive: But for some unidentified reason, only pertaining to academics or anything related to paper. And occasionally, my room.
• Temperamental: I'm quite easily pissed off. I admit to being pissed off at the littlest of things, like my brother setting the table ONLY FOR HIMSELF or my father baby-talking my brother and I.
• Anti-Social: I don't mean the kind of anti-social with criminal tendencies, rather the "anti-social" who hates or is always too lazy to attend parties, attend outings, or join gatherings. This is especially if there are big crowds involved. I'm all for hanging out with a small group, though, and more so with close friends.
• Negative: I always, always think about the worst possible outcomes. I used to think that was a good thing because that way, I never get disappointed. Now, however, I realized that all that negativity is just putting me in a sour mood and I don't want that. I am trying to be more positive, putting at least a sliver of hope in my expectations. (Difficult to do, but I really do hope to change this aspect of who I am.)
• Awkward: This will probably not change anytime soon as I have no idea how to NOT be awkward. It's as though awkward has been built into my system. I just don't know the proper way to meet people, or commute, or order, or communicate on the telephone. I especially don't know how to entertain guys on the very few incidents that there seem to be some who are interested in me.
• Raw: I easily get affected by what people think of me, say about me, or do to me. I immediately jump to conclusions that when someone states a negative blind item that it would be about me. I get hurt whenever I feel left out, even if I'm aware that they don't mean to leave me out. Also, I never fail to cry at the pettiest sad scenes in movies or series or books. And finally, insults that I receive burn deep through my soul. (Oh geez, I'm becoming a poetic vagina.)
• Self-hater: This may as well summarize my personality. I never deem anything I do or accomplish as good enough, and I don't even know whose standards I'm trying to reach. I guess this has something to do with how I've been bullied when I was younger, and how bad others made me feel about myself. One day though, I hope I'll learn to accept myself as opposed to always looking down on myself as I do now.

You may now recommend me a therapist. Or even just someone to talk to.

P.S. I apologize for another self-centered and quite a depressing rant. I also give you permission, if not encourage you to kill me in your head.

Day 3: Your Favorite Series

First of all - I refuse to choose just one series. I simply cannot. And so my favorite series (plural) would have to be The Hunger Games trilogy, The Delirium trilogy, and The Harry Potter series.

On The Hunger Games trilogy:
The Hunger Games is far more than just an action novel. Suzanne Collins crafted a perfect trilogy, the unexpected outweighing the expected, leaving me at a loss for words always. I cried at least once for each book.

On The Delirium trilogy:
The concept of love being deemed as a disease was so intriguing that I had to get a copy the minute I finished reading the back cover. It was a decision I never regretted. The books cut through my heart and the ending of the first book left me crying and numb for a full five minutes. The only flaw, perhaps, was the ending of Requiem, the final book. It left me hanging, leaves me hanging, as the conclusion didn't really seem concluding. Nontheless, The Delirium trilogy will always have a space in my bookshelf. And heart. *cheeseball mode activated

On The Harry Potter series:
Need I say more.