Branded

There are quite a few things, or nouns and/or adjectives to be more precise, that I've come to associate closely with myself. Why I've decided to bare myself and my deepest insecurities in a public blog, I haven't got the slightest idea, except that perhaps I've finally decided to start the long and grueling "journey" of accepting who I am and maybe change the parts of me that I'm not proud of.

• Obsessive-Compulsive: But for some unidentified reason, only pertaining to academics or anything related to paper. And occasionally, my room.
• Temperamental: I'm quite easily pissed off. I admit to being pissed off at the littlest of things, like my brother setting the table ONLY FOR HIMSELF or my father baby-talking my brother and I.
• Anti-Social: I don't mean the kind of anti-social with criminal tendencies, rather the "anti-social" who hates or is always too lazy to attend parties, attend outings, or join gatherings. This is especially if there are big crowds involved. I'm all for hanging out with a small group, though, and more so with close friends.
• Negative: I always, always think about the worst possible outcomes. I used to think that was a good thing because that way, I never get disappointed. Now, however, I realized that all that negativity is just putting me in a sour mood and I don't want that. I am trying to be more positive, putting at least a sliver of hope in my expectations. (Difficult to do, but I really do hope to change this aspect of who I am.)
• Awkward: This will probably not change anytime soon as I have no idea how to NOT be awkward. It's as though awkward has been built into my system. I just don't know the proper way to meet people, or commute, or order, or communicate on the telephone. I especially don't know how to entertain guys on the very few incidents that there seem to be some who are interested in me.
• Raw: I easily get affected by what people think of me, say about me, or do to me. I immediately jump to conclusions that when someone states a negative blind item that it would be about me. I get hurt whenever I feel left out, even if I'm aware that they don't mean to leave me out. Also, I never fail to cry at the pettiest sad scenes in movies or series or books. And finally, insults that I receive burn deep through my soul. (Oh geez, I'm becoming a poetic vagina.)
• Self-hater: This may as well summarize my personality. I never deem anything I do or accomplish as good enough, and I don't even know whose standards I'm trying to reach. I guess this has something to do with how I've been bullied when I was younger, and how bad others made me feel about myself. One day though, I hope I'll learn to accept myself as opposed to always looking down on myself as I do now.

You may now recommend me a therapist. Or even just someone to talk to.

P.S. I apologize for another self-centered and quite a depressing rant. I also give you permission, if not encourage you to kill me in your head.