"What if" is the most haunting phrase I've ever encountered. I've learned the hard way that the chances we miss would bring us more pain and regret than the chances we actually take. And yes, that includes the chances that may have ended badly. The thing is, should a situation lead us to a good or a bad end, we will inevitably learn something from it. In a missed chance, opportunity, moment - we miss the experience, along with the lesson it could've taught us.
The only reason why I'm writing about missed chances is that I've recently learned that I missed out on something that I've been longing for. The moment I knew about that missed opportunity, a dozen "what ifs" began to arise: "What if I told him how I felt?", "What if I didn't let my shyness get the best of me?", "What if we had determined the relationship?", "What if I'd even just told him before he met the other girl?". (The gist of my so-called missed opportunity has probably been defined by those questions now.)
Upon learning that he felt the same way as I did, even for just a short length of time, made me highly regret my decision of not telling him how I felt. Things could've turned out differently - he might've been the Christian Grey or Peeta Mellark or Tobias Eaton that I've been waiting for; it could've been me that he calls every night; there could've been an us.
Now there's nothing I can do except to eat cake and listen to sad music, wallow in my own insecurities, replay our old conversations and moments, and consider and reconsider all my "What ifs". But of course, I should remember that there is a reason for everything, and perhaps it just wasn't written for there to be an us.
If life, however, should decide to lead him back to me one day, I promise to grab the opportunity. If not, then I can sincerely say that he will always be my favorite "What If".
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